Friday, March 14, 2014

A theory of mine

Sometimes I feel so sorry that I'm not a better writer! Usually I have a huge flow of thoughts, but I feel I'm not able to put it properly in words, especially in English. Anyway, sometimes I'm courageous enough to try it. And today is such a day when I try to say something. I hope it will make any sense and I also hope that my testimony will help at least one parent. If so, it wouldn't be in vain.

I decided to write this post yesterday, after a friend asked me: "Raluca, do you ever get angry on your kids?". It was obvious that that mother had some trouble recently and she wasn't sure if it ever happened to me also. Yes, it seems it happens to everyone of us from time to time. How I'm so sure about it? Because I once read "the corn story" and the attached comments and they were such a help for me back then and they still are! Thank you, Michelle, for the courage to face the truth! You are a real mother!

I think it passed already half year, maybe even one year since my "closet story". I don't remember anymore which was the trigger, but I remember myself punching the closet as hard as I was able, after a verbal fight with Ilaria. The kick was so hard that I remember myself thanking God it wasn't directed toward my girl and when Adrian came back from work that evening, I told him I started to be afraid of my own reactions. It was a hard time with two weeks spent inside with both of our girls, due to a stomach flu, so the tensions were high and many.

Of course, one could tell me no reason should justify such reaction, but in time I made up a theory which helps me go on without too much remorse during hard times: in order not to get sick physically or mentally and as long as nobody gets hurt, it's OK when every now and then we kick the closet or even yell at our kids. And of course we don't do this in order to educate or to frighten our kids, but these are normal reactions in case of too much tension. Why should somebody blame me that I react normal when I have too much stress? Wouldn't I be even more stressed without any way of getting rid of my tensions? Everybody agree kids have to let out somehow the negative energy. What about parents?

I remember myself speaking with a mom who was attending a course in which she was learning how to suppress such natural and instinctual reactions as kicking the closet or yelling.

Some people even claim that in relation child - parent the parent is the one to be blamed when something goes wrong. Always!

I don't agree with such modern ideas that try to brain-wash us and make us think we are never good enough. I hear more and more often about mothers suffering of depression. They are young, they are healthy, they have healthy kids and beautiful families and even so, they are depressed. I know that hormones are the main responsible for depression, and even modern food could be a reason, but suppressing the instincts, reacting with learned artificial reactions instead of the natural ones, blaming ourselves for every bad response, wouldn't all these contribute and lead faster and more often to depression? It's just my theory, I could be very wrong and I could regret it in the future, but it's what helps me pass easier the hardest times now.

I don't say don't pray to be a better parent or don't try your best every moment or don't attend parenting courses, because I know every parent loves his children a lot and wants the best for them, but all I want to say is: don't blame yourself too much if you ever kick the closet!

While every parent dreams about a perfect relation with his child, nobody will ever have it. 
“Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword! I came to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. A person’s enemies will include members of his own family." (Matthew 10:34))
Even so, every parent will fight to be better, because love has been set deep in our hearts.

     my kids!
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Anonymous said...

Multumesc. Mare adevar! Va pup. Rozy

Anonymous said...

Iar finalul este ca soarele dupaa furtuna....atat de frumos suna!!! Rozy

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